I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
