watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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