I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
