Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Randomize
