I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
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