Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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