Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Randomize
