the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
