Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
