im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
