I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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