last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
