totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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