I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
