my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
