it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
being pregnant is like rehab
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
