You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
