my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
