i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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