If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Randomize
