My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
two words: eviction party
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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