can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Randomize
