you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
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