I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
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