some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Randomize
