You don't have asthma, your pregnant
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
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