I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Someone came in the potted fern
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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