New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
