Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
