If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
You made out with two different species that night
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Randomize
