I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
