His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
