i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Randomize
