im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Randomize
