I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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