I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
