saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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