You're a womanizer and a bitch.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
