im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
