im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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