Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
