OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
