Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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