Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize
