I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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