I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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