Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
