I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
So much Jack, so little girl.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Randomize
