my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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