It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
