It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
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