Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
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