im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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